Home meditation.

Hello all,

I am wrapped up in a quilt with a cup of coffee my Mother made for me while I write this.

The house still smells like mashed potatoes and corn (I'm trying to win them over to the vegetarian side of things, but it's a slow battle... at least now they've let me have part of the fridge for my veggie burgers).  There are candles in the window, fake evergreen on the table (Dad's got allergies), and mom's trying to get me to eat a fruit salad with Cool Whip.  I just finished watching a double episode of Dr. Who.

Today I did something I didn't think I could do.

I finished my first term of grad school.

I'm not going to go into details as to how much of a personal battle that was for me, but the important thing is not what's in the past.  The important thing is that it's done.

I cried on the way home from school.

I've been spending a good amount of time at my parents house this holiday season, and that's a funny thing to think about.

I was kicked out of the house when I was 18, right around Christmas time.

I can remember the fight.

Mom and I were putting up the tree, and I snapped at her about something.  She snapped back.  I didn't want to back down, so I said something I shouldn't of.

Next thing I know I'm in my bedroom, both of my parents screaming at me.  Me being bullheaded and definant.

Next thing I know, I'm out the door.  *boom!*  With my Dad throwing out my guitar right behind me.

I remember that lonely car ride.

I didn't have anywhere to go.  But I was determined to not go back home.  Thinking I was doing the right thing.

Well, I made it work.  Kind of.  I struggled, lived in really bad places...

What does all that have to do with anything?

My goal for this week is to discover detrimental patterns in my life.

One of them?  My bullheadedness.  Next one?  My inability to listen.

My bullheadedness got me kicked out of the house at 18.  Luckily, my family is amazing and they have forgiven me all my misgivings.

I can be rash.  And then I stand by my stupid rash decision because I am bullheaded.

What I should have done was drive around to calm down, go home, apologize, and have Christmas with my parents.

Here I am at 30, helping my mom put up Christmas decorations for the first time in... yup.  11 years.  Making up for lost time.

I remember when my Grandfather Feather died, I thought to myself... this is the first time I've had a week off in seven years.  SEVEN YEARS.

If that's not a detrimental pattern, I don't know what is.

But here I am.  Now taking things slow.  Practicing not being so rash.  Practicing not being so obsessive about things.  Practicing the art of listening and hearing.  Giving myself time to just be.  Letting anger go.

I've made a lot of lists lately.

Daily lists of "what I will do today?" which include things such as:  eat breakfast, take a shower, take a nap, go visit Dad at town hall, call K. C.

A list of things I want in my life.

A list of things I want to accomplish.

And the hardest to face... THE list of horrific patterns I have with thoughts on how to break them.

That's my favorite list.  I get to use my scientific skills to get in deep and figure out how my patterns occur, what brings them on, and in what situations they are most likely to resurface.

It's kind of shocking how simple breaking the pattern in.  A matter of, don't go here.  Don't put yourself in this situation.  Walk away.  Go home at this time.

It's also a matter of deciding what is really important to you.

I made a list of those too.

Then I made a list of things that I do that are detrimental to what is really important to me.

It made me feel like a drug addict in a way.  It's a simple thing, right?  Just don't do that thing.  Don't take "that drug".

Right.

It's about atmosphere.

Here in Salisbury, there are no bars I would dream of going to.  I barely know anyone that lives around here, and I don't go "hang out".  It feels like rehab.  Lots of quiet.  Lots of time alone.  Lots of time doing chores.  If I don't get home in time, I miss dinner.  I miss seeing people I love.  I'm permanently cutting off bad friendships and strengthening the good ones.

BREAKING THE CYCLE.  BREAKING THE PATTERN.  Restructure.

I often think to myself, what a waste of time my 20's were.  Then, I beat myself up a lot of a lot of reasons.

But lately, I've stopped.  Why waste time and energy beating myself up or reflecting on how bad certain times were?  It's a better use of time to just think on what I didn't like about A, B, or C, write it down, and write how I will change it.  I'm putting my energy into changing habits.

I'm in the middle of a break from music.  There's a P-90's show coming up this weekend for Dillon's 21st birthday (no way I could say no to that) but beyond that Billie Feather has nothing in the books.

Can you believe that?  Billie Feather has NOTHING in the books.  No every weekend gigs, no running around everywhere.

It's kind of shocking.

But you know what?  It's really good.  I'm taking time to remind myself of why I enjoy music.  Funny that.  The same room I learned my first song in a long time ago is the same room I'm meditating on things.  Tomorrow, for the first day in weeks, I'm going to pick up my guitar and work on some school things.  It's on the "to-do" list.  I'm rediscovering who I am without a stringed instrument in my hands.

It's funny how that has been my identity for so very long.

What the hell am I doing with my time?

Walking.  Riding my bike.  Reading, a lot.  Watching some Dr. Who.  Writing, a lot.  Taking baths.  Doing household chores.  Spending time with my family.  Finally getting the sleep I needed.  Not worrying so much.  Trying to let things be organic.  Do their own thing.  Not being rash.  Cutting out recipes from Southern Living Magazine and putting them into little baggies.

I'm resetting.  Giving myself all the things I haven't had since I was kicked out of the house at 18.

All in all, I'm doing much better.  I feel better.

I felt like for years I had a massive cloud over my mind.

And, I did.  It had nothing to do with anyone else but me.  I finally have time to sit back and reflect on what is really important.

So... what is really important to Billie Feather?

Quality of life.  My family.  My good friends.  Helping others reach their goals.  Teaching.  Music.  Love.

Living the best life I can.

I've cried a lot lately.  I'm finally letting myself feel things.  Not judging the feelings, just using it as information and letting it pass through.  Learning what makes me cry.  Learning why I am crying.  Learning what is important enough for me to cry about.

Anyways.

Actions speak louder than words.

I hope you all take the time to find what makes you really happy.  I mean, really really happy.  What, in Buck Owen's own words, makes your heart skip a beat.

Another list I am making is of things that make me happy.  For a while, I thought nothing would.  But, slowly... the list began.  I forced myself to write down anything that cause even a small glimmer inside of me.

It started like this:

Warm baths.
The Monkees.
The color of the sky.
A hug.
Bava, the dog.
Glitter.
Nail polish.
Dinner.
Smiles.
Dr. Who.
Christmas lights.

Insanely, coffee is still not on the list.  But, warm mugs are.  It's funny when you take time to realize EXACTLY what makes you happy.  You start to value things a lot more.

Yes, Elvis Christmas records made it on there too.

Suddenly, I started to wake up.  There is a lot of good in the world.  Things aren't so bad.

I'm also learning how to ask for help.

I'm queen of DIY, thinking that all you need are a couple of tools... and bing bang boom!  You have a solution.  (Bullheadedness)

Well, not quite.  I'm learning that I can't do everything on my own.  I have to allow room for someone else, and for me to not always be right.  Too see that my solution is not the only solution.  Trust me, I'm spending a lot of time not getting my way lately.  And, you know what?  That's really okay.

My parents are awesome.  I noticed something my Dad keeps saying, "I know you're not going to listen to me, but..."

And I thought, oh my God.  That's my MO.  Not listening.  Reactionary.

Hmmm.

Here's to the first month of the rest of my life.  I am thankful for this time.

I hope you all have a lovely evening.

Take Care,

~Billie.